The only reason I have a house phone is..

...to call my cell phone when it's lost

Ancient Egyptian Proverb

A journey of a thousand miles always begins with one step.

Sex...

the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

What do you give a sick pig?

Oinkment!

Always remember!

If life were easy, then it would be boring.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day.

The phone rang and a woman's voice said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?

Whale of fortune!

What is an archaeologist?

Someone who's career is in ruins!

Joke! Bad Joke :P

Where do ghost trains stop? At devil crossings.

Mind it!

'If you could read my mind, you would lose yours.'

Love your Insomnia from now on!

Due to increased brain activity, people with higher intelligence tend to have a harder time falling asleep at night.

Fear doesn't overwhelm you;

you let fear overwhelm you.

Did you know?

Crying helps to remove stressful emotions from the body which strengthens the immune system. It also cleans your eyes more than you could do using water or some solutions.

A TIP for you all

When searching plane tickets online, delete your cookies. Prices go up if you visit a site multiple times.

Hedenophobic means fear of pleasure.

Now that's a new word for all of us!

American Eskimo dogs originated in Germany.

That's a fact!

Fake smiling can cause real happiness.

So always keep smiling, there are people who love to see you smile, whether you notice them or not :)

I walked into a spider web this morning ...

...and now I have a black belt in karate.

Let's complicate the shit out of everything that should be simple.

- Another definition of love

You're gonna love me forever ...

...and you'll have no idea how it happened.

Just read article that says

coffee drinkers have more sex & enjoy it more than non-coffee drinkers.LIKE I NEED ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE COFFEE

Sexypoetry

"We lay on our backs. Our fingers wrapped in each other. Cuddling.

Talking about our future, building our dreams together, smiling, giggling. Being ourselves has never felt better.

While I'm telling you about every detail of the house I want to live in, you bring your hand to my mouth and kiss it.

I stop in the middle of my sentence and smile like a fool. You smile back at me and tell me to tell you more.

You twirl my hair between your fingers for a while, while I plan out every detail of our future together.

Gently running the tips of your fingers up & down my arm while you listen to the sweet sound of my voice, you smile.

You notice. I look down at you and brush the hair from your eyes so I can see them better.

Just as I start to say another word, you interrupt my words by pressing your lips against mine, kissing me hard.

I'm surprised at first. You clasp my face in your hands as you kiss me. Our eyes closed. I fall back slowly.



You hold the back of my head with your hand and lay me down softly on the blanket.

One hand tangled in my hair, your lips kissing mine, your other hand on my waist, holding me. Loving me with your hands.

You begin to unbutton my shirt and your lips find their way from mine, down to my neck. Kissing just below my ear.

I whisper in your ear how much I love the way your hands feel against my skin. You continue kissing. Touching. Loving.



With both hands I slide your shirt up & over your head. You look down at me as you grab my waist & begin kissing my chest.

Kissing from my collar bone to my bare shoulder, down my tummy. I run my fingers through your hair and sigh.

You unbutton my jeans and start to slide them off my feet. I reach down and do the same to you as you kiss my cheek.



You push me onto my back and begin to kiss all around my vagina. My pelvis. My inner thigh. Your hands all over me.

You push my panties to the side and kiss me there. I run my fingers through your hair as you lick and suck on my clit.

Your hands on my breasts, I thrust myself into your mouth, you're devouring me, licking up every sweet drop.



You slide your finger into my tight pussy while licking my clit. I feel myself cumming as you go deeper with your finger.

I'm smiling, laughing a little. You climb on top of me and begin kissing my body. I grab your face and kiss you.

You run your fingers through my hair as I bite your lips. You bite back. I push you onto your back and climb on top of you.

You start to ask what I am doing and I put my finger to your lips to shut you up. I guide your hands to my breasts.

I grab a hold of your hard cock, bring it to my pussy. Soaking wet, I sit on it, gasping as I lower myself onto it.

Smiling at you I lean in to kiss you. You wrap your arms around me and hold me close as I bounce up and down on it.





You bite my ear, kiss my neck. I dig my nails into your back, leaving deep red marks all along the length of your spine.

Moaning softly, you breathe into my ear. Whispering how good of a job I am doing.. but it's your turn to take control.

You pick me up, holding me in your arms. I smile at you, surprised but loving how it feels to be suspended in the air.

You tell me to get on my hands and knees. I willingly abide. My ass up in the air you take me from behind.



You push yourself slowly into me from behind, I look back at you smiling, sighing with pleasure.



You bend forward and grab a fist full of my hair. Tugging on it gently, I say your name as you fuck me from behind.



Our breaths shorten. Our skin wet with sweat. I am moaning and screaming telling you to fuck me harder.

You push my head down into the pillow, and thrust harder, deeper into my wet pussy. You moan loudly as I say your name.

I feel myself coming to a climax, moaning uncontrollably, gasping for air. you're pounding into me harder than ever."

- Written by: My lovely & sexy Girlfriend! <3

Again!

Sorry I was busy playing my air guitar when you told me that you got dumped.

Looking for that perfect outfit that says,

"I'm unavailable but you still want to spend your money on me".

There's no need to be persistent when

someone has already proven that you are nonexistent to them.

We should watch a movie.

And by 'watch a movie', I mean we should fuck each other senseless while a movie plays in the background.

Porn-o-maniac!

I masturbate so much that there's not a single character you can type on my keyboard without it auto-filling a porn URL.

Your ex asking if you can still be friends after a break- up

is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch.

Lovers are fantastic. . Best friends are awesome. .

But when both are the same person, there are no words to explain it. . .

Priorities, you know?! :P

I have dishes stacked up in the sink and 2 bins of dirty laundry but my sex toys are always clean.

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?

Me: Sure! *looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume,
17 Hershey kisses,
a stapler
& a baby goat*


Me: Sorry, no pen. :(