The only reason I have a house phone is..

...to call my cell phone when it's lost

Ancient Egyptian Proverb

A journey of a thousand miles always begins with one step.

Sex...

the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

What do you give a sick pig?

Oinkment!

Always remember!

If life were easy, then it would be boring.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day.

The phone rang and a woman's voice said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?

Whale of fortune!

What is an archaeologist?

Someone who's career is in ruins!

Joke! Bad Joke :P

Where do ghost trains stop? At devil crossings.